I've battled with food since I was about nine, when I used to go to my friend Heidi's house because we could walk to the grocery store and buy Hershey's bars, and not just the small ones, but the giant ones, which we would then eat with peanut butter from the jar. Since my recent bout with vet-school induced poorness has basically obligated me to drop some weight or go naked, I've given up or altered a lot of my food-related habits. At heart, though, I have a difficult relationship with food, and will have all my life.
I'm glad I'm working on it. I'm glad I'm running, that more of my clothes fit, that I've lost 15 (!!) pounds since September, while maintaining a pretty decent (3.9ish) GPA, taking care of the animals, managing not to drive away my boyfriend, etc.
However, there are days like today when i'm reminded why food is such a big fucking problem. Today nothing feels good. Everything, school, family, pets, friends, knitting even, feels uncomfortable or disappointing. Nothing's wrong, it's just one of those princess and the pea days where things chafe even though they shouldn't.
It's days like this that I miss eating peanut butter m & m's, or barbecue potato chips and cheerios (don't know why the combo is good, it just is). I miss eating them to excess because I know the *satiety* would be so satisfying. It's not happiness, but it's short term gratification. I miss coke, it's sticky security. I miss the Creme Brulee candy bars (those things are freaking good, for what it's worth), and eating way more then I ought.
I don't want to overeat, because I know the consequences, and I feel in control of myself and glad to eat my banana instead. I just feel the edge of that oh-so-slippery slope, and know not teetering off of it will take energy, probably for the rest of my life. Nothing in my life right now is so easy -and- so mood-elevating, at the same time. I know it's temporary, but on days where everything feels like my underpants are two sizes too small, it's very fucking tempting.
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